burning at the centre of time

Have seriously cannot cope anxiety brain this evening thanks to coming down from serious work stress and the fact that the moths are back in the flat gdi.

I'd say 'help' but I'm not sure what would help.

Also, this may be because I follow Merritt Kopas on Twitter and see all the stuff she RTs, but I almost wanna make a Twine game. Maybe about being an expaimmigrant? How I seem to permanently dwell in liminal spaces? idek. It seems a bit self-indulgent if I talk about it out loud.

Been chewing on this for months now and I don't have a good answer anywhere either way:
Does having OCD make one neurodivergent?

Some people speculate that because it's an illness, it shouldn't. And I don't want to appropriate things.

But at the same time, I'd seriously hesitate to say that my thinking patterns are neurotypical. This cartoon by Jeph Jacques illuminates why; that's pretty much how my brain operates.

So where does it fit exactly? Despite not wanting the ritual and the pain that comes from egodystonic stuff, I don't think I'd want to rewire my brain too much.

I've been wicked low on spoons lately and so I really don't know how to write about the death of Samantha Hancox. (warning: problematic language, OCD triggers. I'm linking to this general informational article on OCD that contains the story of Ms Hancox because I can't find one at any other UK paper I like using.)

I don't know who failed her, if it was the NHS or the system or her family (yes, even with loving and caring for her) or just the fact that there is not adequate treatment due to a lack of research. Or all of those things.

So yeah. A big fuck you to those who think OCD is 'just' whatever or lets people off easily, because they cannot imagine the pain Samantha Hancox was in--psychologically--for a good portion of her life.

I can't use my OCD icons on this one. I really can't. I'm too angry.

I tend to get immersed in webcomics. It's an OCD+ thing (partially the ADD that I don't apparently have and partially my fail at memory)--I have to read the whole thing from beginning to present, so I'm not utterly lost.

So. When I spotted this post by alias_sqbr on my Dreamwidth network page, I decided to get stuck in with Homestuck, seeing as I'd seen it referenced several times lately.

I am not going to pretend I understand what's going on in it half the time, but I'm more than halfway through to the present, fortunately, and it is compelling stuff (though problematic fairly often). Between that, various activities that make up 'looking for work', and trying to get brainwane's interview to a reasonable size for uploading, I've been sort of spaced out. Sorry.

Today I think I'll actually go outside in hopes that I improve via lovely weather. Glasgow, what is this blue sky business? It is amazing. Also, I have a book at the library...and there's an OCD ritual there that I'm trying to break, god help me.

I remembered today (O HAI BAD SHORT TERM MEMORY THAT IS NOT ADD) that I had meant to write some stuff about neurodiversity in that post I made yesterday. Oops.

But then something else came up: trouble's search for fiction books dealing with disability, as seen at FWD (go help out!), reminded me of something else I had thought about posting on, then didn't. This was due to the whole OCD failishness on Glee. (By the way, we're not going there with the RHPS thing...Roz Kaveney had an interesting take on it, but I don't know if I'm entirely with her on her reading--as in, I don't give the showrunners as much credit as she does. She does make the important point that TRHS/RHPS has always been a commercialized market vision of transness and queerness, which I had not considered before.)

So, I'm ISO fictional representations of OCD. In discussions about this with people like raanve and revena at WisCon, we postulated that there aren't many, just as there aren't many of clinical depression, because it's not 'dynamic' enough to merit a plot, for most people. Except for compulsively cleaning and fear of germs, god fucking forbid.

So here's what I know of:

Melvin Udall, As Good As It Gets: Could be worse, really. I think the film does a fair job of portraying the inability to interact with one's environment and the inherent frustration causing one to be...socially difficult. It's kind of irritating that the whole Love Of A Good Woman thing comes into play, also. I have a great story about being told how FUNNY Melvin's actions were and nearly losing my shit.

Howard Hughes, The Aviator: Obviously based on real events. Someone I know who has OCD saw it and said it was possibly triggery but an excellent portrayal. I've not seen it personally, because at the time I was a bit low on spoons and I tend to keep forgetting about it. (see: poor memory. I'll probably remember I want to see it again for about a day, then forget.)

Adrian Monk, Monk: We do not speak of Monk and we do not discuss the ever so clever tagline 'The Defective Detective'. Also, Monk's case of OCD is highly atypical, particularly the whole productive attention to detail thing.

Han Qing-Jao, Xenocide: I have massive issues with Orson Scott Card due to his EVERYTHING FAIL (and that includes ableism both here and in other ways), but the depictions of OCD behaviour as performed by the godspoken of Path are one thing that he does accurately, at least in my personal experience. It's a very difficult thing to capture and I have no idea how he managed to do it, seeing how much of an arse he is.

Roy Waller, Matchstick Men: I haven't seen this film, and apparently it's one of many comorbid conditions Roy has. Anyone who can speak more, let me know. I've heard the film's worth watching, though I don't know if it's a good portrayal of OCD.

Emma Pillsbury, Glee: Much as I appreciate that Jayma Mays doesn't want to hurt anybody, I'm still not best pleased with what I hear, or what I read in this article...it's just part of her personality? Then it's OCPD, which is not the same at all--OCD is ego dystonic, meaning that performing ritual runs contrary to a person's self-image. Not that this is that big a thing, but still, the little cuts, my friends.

Tell me more! If there are any, that is.

ETA: I'm so glad that there's a term for the inherent frustration and disparity between the person with OCD's condition and self-understanding--ego dystonic. WIN. I just found this out yesterday.

So my LJ paid account ran out, but I'm really dubious about giving them monies. I was going to buy a paid DW account around my birthday, but in the meantime I'm a bit SOL when it comes to icons. Which is a pity because I am totally making an 'I'm on a horse...cow' Grover icon right now.

Suggestions, anyone? Money's not utterly tight, but I'd feel better spending (on DW) once I have birthday cash.

Also, I signed up for Festivids. Between all the ace people (especially laura47) talking about it, and doing editing on the Overambitious Dissertation...it all sort of threw me into it. Speaking of the OAD, I've rough-edited together two segments, for a total of about ten minutes. Suffice it to say, I'm pretty sure that I'll be in way over 25 minutes soon. Things are coming together, though I spent an hour trying to generate a starfield in After Effects.

There's also a post about OCD and the UK psychiatric system (as I experienced today), but that'll be later.

ETA: And a fun thing!

A preface: I am not endorsing the current mental health system in the US or the diagnostic procedures currently in place with mental health. I do think, though, that the evidence in this proves that the establishment is slightly more in the right...you'll see what I mean.

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On yesterday's topic, apparently the main US doctor concerned with PANDAS (and with the Saving Sammy story) was linked to the highly problematic and debunked chelation bullshit treatment for autism. See this post from 2007 by Autism Diva, or this post from Respectful Insolence in 2008.

( I sorta linkspam here, but it's important. )

Still. I do not know what is WRONG with me.

I am sort of pleased that I now have an icon (if you're on LJ) for these times, though, based on the art by Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half. thx boosette!

Because that is exactly how I feel when I have to clean and my OCD is like ZOMG NOOOOOO. So it will do to represent all times when I am low on spoons. Particularly the expression on the person's face.

Insert rage about Robin Hobb here.

If my mother had left me to be 'who I genetically am', I would be up shit creek without a paddle. There will be more on this in the OCD post that is in progress. I think we can all agree that medication should be a choice, but not medicating should ALSO be a choice, ne?

Like were_duck, it also makes me really fucking sad that she never tried it.

(h/t boosette)

So, the general response to 'do I cross-post stuff from here' over on LJ was rather positive, and therefore I will be doing that for the time being. Apologies to those of you who are reading it twice, that's just how it's gonna go.

Today's tasks (my mother is very fond of lists) were all phone calls, which I hate making with the fire of a thousand suns, but what I hate more is waiting for people to call me back. I want a goddamn nap, I do not want to be woken up by a very necessary phone call. So people had best call me back promptly so I can get this nap in...because once Mom's done with school, no more naps for Rhi.

(My mother is not very fond of naps. She thinks they fuck up your sleep schedule. It is only recently that she's come around to the idea that I might have a fatigue problem and therefore actually am tired regardless.)

So yeah, in the serious business journal, you get a not so serious ranty rhapsody about naptime. Sorry. Eventually there will be a rant about OCD and people/media/society Not Getting It, based off the mental illness panel at WisCon, but as you can tell, today is a bad day instead of a good one, and I can't guarantee anything besides the norm.

Also, Torchwood may be back, but on BBC1, and with US funding (Starz)? We does not like this, precious, both from a professional and a fannish standpoint.