rhivolution: Hannelore from webcomic Questionable Content: shirt reads 'OCDelightful' (OCDelightful: Hannelore)
Finally had the first of my two sessions of CBT consult yesterday. Not sure if it will help me or what the outcome of the consult will be, but the clinical psych seems to be a respectful person, knowledgeable and empathetic about OCD, and I didn't have a hard time talking to her.

So that is a good thing, I think.

Doesn't do much for the Random Anxiety Flares in the meantime but I will, as ever, persevere.
rhivolution: Ace is pensive and/or upset (say your life is on fire: Ace)
Have seriously cannot cope anxiety brain this evening thanks to coming down from serious work stress and the fact that the moths are back in the flat gdi.

I'd say 'help' but I'm not sure what would help.

Also, this may be because I follow Merritt Kopas on Twitter and see all the stuff she RTs, but I almost wanna make a Twine game. Maybe about being an expaimmigrant? How I seem to permanently dwell in liminal spaces? idek. It seems a bit self-indulgent if I talk about it out loud.
rhivolution: Makka Pakka from In the Night Garden, text: Keep Calm And Wash Stuff (keep calm and wash stuff: OCD/Makka Pak)
I would appreciate a few days rest from the ongoing run of Lord of the Brainweasels, please. The increase in noise of the usual background hum of low-level anxiety is having a serious impact on my ability to make it through the day without Now Panic And Freak Out.



Apr. 8th, 2011 11:26 am
rhivolution: Makka Pakka from In the Night Garden, text: Keep Calm And Wash Stuff (keep calm and wash stuff: OCD/Makka Pak)
Been chewing on this for months now and I don't have a good answer anywhere either way:
Does having OCD make one neurodivergent?

Some people speculate that because it's an illness, it shouldn't. And I don't want to appropriate things.

But at the same time, I'd seriously hesitate to say that my thinking patterns are neurotypical. This cartoon by Jeph Jacques illuminates why; that's pretty much how my brain operates.

So where does it fit exactly? Despite not wanting the ritual and the pain that comes from egodystonic stuff, I don't think I'd want to rewire my brain too much.
rhivolution: David Tennant does the Thinker (Default)
Self-loathing at the moment, as I got the time of a job interview tomorrow confused with a doctor's appointment today, and therefore showed up half an hour late to the doctor's appointment.

They thus were like WELL WE CANNOT TAKE YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE LATE SORRY. But of course, they do not tell me this right away, so there I am, sitting in the waiting room for fifteen minutes after that fact.

So now I can't get my Mirena for another three damn weeks.

I hate my damn brain.
rhivolution: the Tenth Doctor, looking mightily pissed off (gonna cut you: the Tenth Doctor)
I've been wicked low on spoons lately and so I really don't know how to write about the death of Samantha Hancox. (warning: problematic language, OCD triggers. I'm linking to this general informational article on OCD that contains the story of Ms Hancox because I can't find one at any other UK paper I like using.)

I don't know who failed her, if it was the NHS or the system or her family (yes, even with loving and caring for her) or just the fact that there is not adequate treatment due to a lack of research. Or all of those things.

So yeah. A big fuck you to those who think OCD is 'just' whatever or lets people off easily, because they cannot imagine the pain Samantha Hancox was in--psychologically--for a good portion of her life.

I can't use my OCD icons on this one. I really can't. I'm too angry.
rhivolution: David Tennant does the Thinker (Default)
It seems reality insists on proving to my OCD complexes that the Packers will win if I am not watching them. DAMN YOU REALITY.

Meanwhile, I'm experiencing further mental dissonance due to YAY PACKERS SUPER BOWL and making a cheery Beverly/Deanna vid to Lindsey Buckingham's "Love Runs Deeper" at the same time as massive RP bleed lends itself to woeful female singers (Lissie, Amy Macdonald).

I roughed out the first minute of the vid, though. Go me, though I'm terrified that I'm far too fast a vidder. It works better than I imagined, but it's fucking impossible to get scenes of Beverly and Deanna together NOT in Ten-Forward. Damn TNG and its fail.

Fandom needs more vidding to Fleetwood Mac and sundry members, by the way. I'm not sure what I'd have to do to get people to do so.
rhivolution: Hannelore from webcomic Questionable Content: shirt reads 'OCDelightful' (OCDelightful: Hannelore)
I tend to get immersed in webcomics. It's an OCD+ thing (partially the ADD that I don't apparently have and partially my fail at memory)--I have to read the whole thing from beginning to present, so I'm not utterly lost.

So. When I spotted this post by [personal profile] alias_sqbr on my Dreamwidth network page, I decided to get stuck in with Homestuck, seeing as I'd seen it referenced several times lately.

I am not going to pretend I understand what's going on in it half the time, but I'm more than halfway through to the present, fortunately, and it is compelling stuff (though problematic fairly often). Between that, various activities that make up 'looking for work', and trying to get [personal profile] brainwane's interview to a reasonable size for uploading, I've been sort of spaced out. Sorry.

Today I think I'll actually go outside in hopes that I improve via lovely weather. Glasgow, what is this blue sky business? It is amazing. Also, I have a book at the library...and there's an OCD ritual there that I'm trying to break, god help me.
rhivolution: Hannelore from webcomic Questionable Content: shirt reads 'OCDelightful' (OCDelightful: Hannelore)
Welp, it's the International Day of Persons with Disabilities, per the UN.* So, out of the closet with me, because there's really not any better day for it.

Hi, I'm Rhi and I have a disability.

It's sort of sickening that it took me this long to actually sit down and say it aloud in an explicit sentence instead of just talking about my OCD + assorted issues (let's call it OCD+) and disability activism.

It took a long time because we are trained to think of 'disability' as certain specific things, which is harmful both to people who have those conditions and to people with disabilities who don't. I am not in the mood right now to do additional explaining, so here are some starter posts on the Disability 101 level from FWD.

I am fortunate and privileged, in the sense that, thanks to treatment, I can scrape by to meet the median functioning level society requires; that is, what is falsely known as 'normal'. I usually fake able-bodied pretty well, as a coping mechanism, because I have never been an adult without a disability and that is how I learned to handle the world.

Because of that, it took me a long time to accept that my OCD+ affects my daily functioning, that it is most likely a life-long condition, and that I may very well have chronic relapses. It took even longer to accept that the fighting I've done wasn't the way things should be. I have been discriminated against, yes. If you've followed me long enough, you've heard about my personal experiences with the US health care system, my mother's belief that anything I like a lot is 'an obsession', a fear of accidentally outing myself at work, the people who think Monk is funny, and how OCD is not a goddamn adjective.

And my experiences are mild and not anything particularly unique.

So yeah. Get aware. We're just gonna get louder.

* I was going to write about the US failure to do anything with the UN Convention and Optional Protocol on the Rights of Persons With Disabilities, but then I got too damn angry, considering it took two years and an administration change to even SIGN the damn convention, much less implement it a year and a half later than THAT. But I don't know that much, so I'll just say 'google it'.
rhivolution: low-on-spoons girl from Hyperbole and a Half: 'clean ALL the things?' (clean ALL the things?: out of spoons)
I remembered today (O HAI BAD SHORT TERM MEMORY THAT IS NOT ADD) that I had meant to write some stuff about neurodiversity in that post I made yesterday. Oops.

But then something else came up: [personal profile] trouble's search for fiction books dealing with disability, as seen at FWD (go help out!), reminded me of something else I had thought about posting on, then didn't. This was due to the whole OCD failishness on Glee. (By the way, we're not going there with the RHPS thing...Roz Kaveney had an interesting take on it, but I don't know if I'm entirely with her on her reading--as in, I don't give the showrunners as much credit as she does. She does make the important point that TRHS/RHPS has always been a commercialized market vision of transness and queerness, which I had not considered before.)

So, I'm ISO fictional representations of OCD. In discussions about this with people like [personal profile] raanve and [personal profile] revena at WisCon, we postulated that there aren't many, just as there aren't many of clinical depression, because it's not 'dynamic' enough to merit a plot, for most people. Except for compulsively cleaning and fear of germs, god fucking forbid.

So here's what I know of:

Melvin Udall, As Good As It Gets: Could be worse, really. I think the film does a fair job of portraying the inability to interact with one's environment and the inherent frustration causing one to be...socially difficult. It's kind of irritating that the whole Love Of A Good Woman thing comes into play, also. I have a great story about being told how FUNNY Melvin's actions were and nearly losing my shit.

Howard Hughes, The Aviator: Obviously based on real events. Someone I know who has OCD saw it and said it was possibly triggery but an excellent portrayal. I've not seen it personally, because at the time I was a bit low on spoons and I tend to keep forgetting about it. (see: poor memory. I'll probably remember I want to see it again for about a day, then forget.)

Adrian Monk, Monk: We do not speak of Monk and we do not discuss the ever so clever tagline 'The Defective Detective'. Also, Monk's case of OCD is highly atypical, particularly the whole productive attention to detail thing.

Han Qing-Jao, Xenocide: I have massive issues with Orson Scott Card due to his EVERYTHING FAIL (and that includes ableism both here and in other ways), but the depictions of OCD behaviour as performed by the godspoken of Path are one thing that he does accurately, at least in my personal experience. It's a very difficult thing to capture and I have no idea how he managed to do it, seeing how much of an arse he is.

Roy Waller, Matchstick Men: I haven't seen this film, and apparently it's one of many comorbid conditions Roy has. Anyone who can speak more, let me know. I've heard the film's worth watching, though I don't know if it's a good portrayal of OCD.

Emma Pillsbury, Glee: Much as I appreciate that Jayma Mays doesn't want to hurt anybody, I'm still not best pleased with what I hear, or what I read in this article...it's just part of her personality? Then it's OCPD, which is not the same at all--OCD is ego dystonic, meaning that performing ritual runs contrary to a person's self-image. Not that this is that big a thing, but still, the little cuts, my friends.

Tell me more! If there are any, that is.

ETA: I'm so glad that there's a term for the inherent frustration and disparity between the person with OCD's condition and self-understanding--ego dystonic. WIN. I just found this out yesterday.
rhivolution: low-on-spoons girl from Hyperbole and a Half: 'clean ALL the things?' (clean ALL the things?: out of spoons)
So I said two weeks ago after I got back from going to the UK shrink that I would write about it, and I meant to in this post, but I started ranting about the Rally For Sanity and why it pisses me off, instead. The first bit is about that, the second bit is about the UK psychiatric system.

I am leaving this post unlocked for people's reference.

Rally Round the Ableism Flag )

National Mental Health Service? )
rhivolution: White Collar: Peter and Elizabeth kiss, while Peter is handcuffed to Neal (stuck in the middle w/you & you: WC OT3)
So my LJ paid account ran out, but I'm really dubious about giving them monies. I was going to buy a paid DW account around my birthday, but in the meantime I'm a bit SOL when it comes to icons. Which is a pity because I am totally making an 'I'm on a horse...cow' Grover icon right now.

Suggestions, anyone? Money's not utterly tight, but I'd feel better spending (on DW) once I have birthday cash.

Also, I signed up for Festivids. Between all the ace people (especially [personal profile] laura47) talking about it, and doing editing on the Overambitious Dissertation...it all sort of threw me into it. Speaking of the OAD, I've rough-edited together two segments, for a total of about ten minutes. Suffice it to say, I'm pretty sure that I'll be in way over 25 minutes soon. Things are coming together, though I spent an hour trying to generate a starfield in After Effects.

There's also a post about OCD and the UK psychiatric system (as I experienced today), but that'll be later.

ETA: And a fun thing!
rhivolution: low-on-spoons girl from Hyperbole and a Half: 'clean ALL the things?' (clean ALL the things?: out of spoons)
Anyone able to fill me in on what happened on Glee with regards to OCD and Emma? I've seen it referenced (by [personal profile] jmtorres) but can't find anything further, and as we all know, I am very invested in representations of OCD in media, whether good, bad or ugly.

And no, I'm not gonna sit down and watch the show just to find out.
rhivolution: low-on-spoons girl from Hyperbole and a Half: 'clean ALL the things?' (clean ALL the things?: out of spoons)
A preface: I am not endorsing the current mental health system in the US or the diagnostic procedures currently in place with mental health. I do think, though, that the evidence in this proves that the establishment is slightly more in the right...you'll see what I mean.


On yesterday's topic, apparently the main US doctor concerned with PANDAS (and with the Saving Sammy story) was linked to the highly problematic and debunked chelation bullshit treatment for autism. See this post from 2007 by Autism Diva, or this post from Respectful Insolence in 2008.

I sorta linkspam here, but it's important. )
rhivolution: low-on-spoons girl from Hyperbole and a Half: 'clean ALL the things?' (clean ALL the things?: out of spoons)
Please note: The below post is my personal opinion and should not be taken as medical advice to anyone else, nor is it meant to negate or trivialise other conditions.

So I saw the book Saving Sammy at the public library, and after picking it up and skimming the inside cover, I sort of couldn't bear to read it, mostly because the subtitle is 'Curing the Boy Who Caught OCD'.

Not sure if this might trigger anyone, so I've cut it. )
rhivolution: low-on-spoons girl from Hyperbole and a Half: 'clean ALL the things?' (clean ALL the things?: out of spoons)
Still. I do not know what is WRONG with me.

I am sort of pleased that I now have an icon (if you're on LJ) for these times, though, based on the art by Allie Brosh of Hyperbole and a Half. thx [personal profile] boosette!

Because that is exactly how I feel when I have to clean and my OCD is like ZOMG NOOOOOO. So it will do to represent all times when I am low on spoons. Particularly the expression on the person's face.
rhivolution: Matthew Macfadyen is pensive, text: jeux sans frontieres (games without frontiers: Tom Quinn)
So I'm sitting here, it's just a little after noon, and I am thinking about how to start this post on OCD. I started writing it in my brain last night, and like most things in my brain, it sounded much better up there, and then the good bits fell out through the sieve that is my short-term memory.1 While I wanted to write about the media and representation, I realized that my opinion makes little sense without explanation of where I'm coming from. Therefore, much of this is ME ME ME, with less analysis. I'd apologize, but that'd be imposter-tastic.

1 Which is a post in and of itself, let me tell you. am only now discovering that the exacerbation of this may actually be a medication side effect as well as ADD-related.

This post, as I noted in my con report, was inspired by the Mad Seers panel at WisCon. Please also be warned that the discussion may trigger people with mental health issues. The Dar Williams theme does not continue throughout, fear not.

Are you positioned comfortably? Then let's begin.

this ended up being a bloody epistle. )
rhivolution: David Tennant does the Thinker (Default)
Insert rage about Robin Hobb here.

If my mother had left me to be 'who I genetically am', I would be up shit creek without a paddle. There will be more on this in the OCD post that is in progress. I think we can all agree that medication should be a choice, but not medicating should ALSO be a choice, ne?

Like [personal profile] were_duck, it also makes me really fucking sad that she never tried it.

(h/t [personal profile] boosette)
rhivolution: Matthew Macfadyen is pensive, text: jeux sans frontieres (games without frontiers: Tom Quinn)
A brief note first: in light of what shit just went down as regards the topic of unsafe, I'm...just gonna pass on making a whole other post. Should you want to know what I would have said, [personal profile] antarcticlust sums it up well in her first two paragraphs here. Namely, being uncomfortable is important, because it means for once we (we = me + other white people) aren't just coasting on by, letting privilege protect us.

I probably would have been a bit less kind, though. I'm an angry person.

Now, to the rest of the post...a few notes from the Mad Seers, Holy Fools, and God–Touched panel at WisCon 34.

Let me say first that this panel seriously touched me and made me think, probably so much so that I bloody neglected to take down who necessarily said what or may have gotten that wrong in my frantic writing. I apologise to [livejournal.com profile] onceupon, [personal profile] revena, [livejournal.com profile] upstart_crow, and [livejournal.com profile] suzych for that. If anyone could provide further info or better notes, I'd be much obliged. My unspoken notes are in italics.

snip. )
All I can really say is my people. Seriously, the sense this whole damn thing made to this person with OCD...I just don't even. I have more to say about what I got out of this, but that may have to wait until tomorrow, as I am beat...yay for medication fatigue.

There may be a rant about how OCD isn't taken seriously. Stay tuned.

ETA: If you want to fill in the blanks and expand upon things that I didn't, check out [livejournal.com profile] sophy's panel report.


Jun. 7th, 2010 01:07 pm
rhivolution: David Tennant does the Thinker (Default)
So, the general response to 'do I cross-post stuff from here' over on LJ was rather positive, and therefore I will be doing that for the time being. Apologies to those of you who are reading it twice, that's just how it's gonna go.

Today's tasks (my mother is very fond of lists) were all phone calls, which I hate making with the fire of a thousand suns, but what I hate more is waiting for people to call me back. I want a goddamn nap, I do not want to be woken up by a very necessary phone call. So people had best call me back promptly so I can get this nap in...because once Mom's done with school, no more naps for Rhi.

(My mother is not very fond of naps. She thinks they fuck up your sleep schedule. It is only recently that she's come around to the idea that I might have a fatigue problem and therefore actually am tired regardless.)

So yeah, in the serious business journal, you get a not so serious ranty rhapsody about naptime. Sorry. Eventually there will be a rant about OCD and people/media/society Not Getting It, based off the mental illness panel at WisCon, but as you can tell, today is a bad day instead of a good one, and I can't guarantee anything besides the norm.

Also, Torchwood may be back, but on BBC1, and with US funding (Starz)? We does not like this, precious, both from a professional and a fannish standpoint.