burning at the centre of time

So uh, I posted this meme five years ago today, and I've left the notif email open in my Gmail for FIVE YEARS, intending to do it. Suffice it to say, I think it is not going to get done, unless someone is still interested in my answers, which are probably incredibly different now than they'd have been back then.

Leave a comment, let me know.

Life continues apace, work has been absolutely frantic for the last month or two, and I've mostly been using DW to do RP stuff, hence the lack of posting here. I am feeling like I'm sucking at being a friend for most people and therefore am close to no one at all. The brainweasels mean that I feel I need to respond to everything, and when I can't do that, I kind of shut down entirely.

For which I am sorry. I am trying, always trying, to do better.

As I seem to do well in snippets and wry remarks, you can, of course, also find me having an opinion on the Twitters (those who can't do, pundit) and very occasionally on the book of Face, and sometimes here even. Festivids is coming up so more here, yes? Yes.

But for those who are not on social media: I am all right. I am getting by. I have a nasty cough right now, but I am dealing. Know I think of you often--yes, even you who is having a brainweasel attack and feel like no one gives a damn but that is a weasel-lie--with love.

Icon (on Dreamwidth) actually is not particularly representative of my feelings, which are more like 'eh' in terms of 'no fucks'.

- I have gotten back into knitting, yay! Knitting for my wee nibling (who will turn one next week, wow) does make things a bit easier, because they are small and therefore things progress quickly and I feel better about life yay.

- Right, I need to sign up for Festivids before I forget. NEED TO. And Night Vale novel! And Ancillary Mercy! And the books I got in Berlin at Borderlands! Clearly, I have bought too many physical books lately and I am worrying about having reached Peak Bookshelf, which could be ameliorated by me not borrowing books (e and paper) from the public library left and right. Not that that will ever really happen.

- In other ways, some parts of fandom are doing my head in. I don't really want to talk about it in public. Trust no one, carry a big stick.

- I need to plan for the Smith 10 year reunion, which means I need to think about money and plane tickets and renting a car 'cause Mom will still be in school and and and. Due to Memorial Day being wicked late this year and colleague schedules (read: everyone in my office is getting married next year), I need to be back here before Wiscon, which is a bit disappointing, but I shall persevere.

(Getting to know some cool folk on Twitter makes me vaguely want to run a con of my own in Glasgow for Cool Fans Living North Of The Home Counties. I'd call it something like ConeCon with the tagline lots of planets have a north!. But my organizational skills are terrible, so it'd just end up being people sitting in a pub anyway, talking rubbish.)

- My clin psych has recommended muscle relaxation techniques for me to try, less as an anxiety flareup curative and more to keep general equilibrium* during the rest of the time. Anyone tried this at all? I'm slightly worried about either falling asleep or it having no effect whatsoever, but I have committed to giving it a go.

* I used another ten-dollar word in a work email earlier this week, as a natural conversational word, noticed after I sent it, then felt vaguely relieved when no one called me out.

Well, I am back in Britain and no longer on jetlag time, two weeks later, and mostly just getting by. Glasgow has had nothing approaching 'summer', not even the British variant of summer (e.g. a pleasant temperature and not raining), which is disheartening as we come into August and I think of those Stevie Nicks lyrics* and anticipate the seasons to come.

If you needed to be convinced about climate change--and I'm hoping if you read my journal that you don't--the weather here in Britain for the last few years is quite good anecdotal evidence. Gwyneth Jones wrote a YA book under her Ann Halam pseud half a dozen years ago or so TEN YEARS AGO, says Wikipedia (Siberia), where the jet stream has moved due to global climate change, leaving Scotland a tundra, and while I don't buy that exact outcome, I do buy the notion that the weather here is becoming increasingly fucked.(Incidentally, I enjoyed that book a lot more than I have any of Jones' writing for adults. I've written about this before here and elsewhere...her issues with mothering and motherhood creep.me.out. Thinking on it more, Jones sorta is the Christopher Nolan of feminist SF for me, in that her work is very technically interesting and impressive, but I just can't quite get emotionally attached to her characters. They leave me rather cold.)

On reading! I did manage to finish Ancillary Justice and Ancillary Sword on holiday, and perhaps I was the only person who liked Sword better, I'm not sure. I've sorta parsed out my reasons why and hope to do a blog post one of these evers.

From a foodie perspective, I also finally read Gabrielle Hamilton's 2011 memoir (Blood, Bones, and Butter). While Hamilton's got...some personal issues that I feel could really use some deeper self-analysis...I really identify with her career narrative:
- falling into a job (cooking)
- feeling like she's not changing the world or using her potential, so going back to school (writing)
- finding out that the reality of doing that dream as a career is not great
- going back to old job for productivity and meaning and eventually developing that into a career
And then she ends up writing a top-rated memoir, publishing essays, and winning awards for her writing too, which leads me to, at least, a bit of hope for my media self. I just need to actually Do The Thing.

On fandom--thinking, very vaguely, about getting back into RPing again, because lizzy is convincing, but that would also mean that my brain needs to be better at not freaking out about reading friend lists/circles, thus not flaking out. I hate flaking out.

So yes, stuff is stuff, hello, tell me interesting things.

* "And the summer became the fall/I was not ready for the winter", from 'Nightbird', though the FM folk here probably guessed that.

As ever, things make a post.

- ( content warning: mental health )

- On that note, I've been working on a real name blog post for like, three weeks now, and I swear it will soon be done. It's just...it feels like my writing is disjointed, all bits and pieces (ze says, writing a goddamn list post).

- Also on that note, what do you do when the place you end up in, after long consideration, is on the fucking fence? What use are you then? Do you just nope out of things for the future and be considered useless by all parties? /cannot cope

- In light of the sad news about Jonathan Crombie's death, I'm a bit spooked by my recent Festivid choices and look at AGG fandom. I sort of want to rewatch the vid (and the canon, now that I have a copy), but I think it'll make me sad. He embodied Gilbert for me, just as Megan Follows is Anne and Schuyler Grant is Diana; I had the Anne of Green Gables miniseries fotonovel when I was a kid, so they're sort of indelibly impressed on my mind and were long before this vid. My heart goes out to his family and friends.

- I am not gonna talk about Star Wars or Daredevil because I do not want to be Captain Buzzkill. I will talk about Welcome to Night Vale with any and all comers, though!

- I would like to vid a whole bunch of snarky multi-Doctor DW vids, as I've been watching a bunch of old!skool Who thanks to the Horror channel* going Freeview recently. I get daunted as hell by the size of the canon, though, by the amount of stuff I would need to acquire and log/mine for detail. Suffice it to say, I have lots of DW feels again...they're just not new!Who feels, which is a bit strange.

* 'Horror' is really just a catchall for 'speculative fiction'. Right now they're trying to convince me that The Stand is scary, which it is, but not how they think. God, I love that story, even with its faults. I even love that mini, though some of it is painfully bad. Gary Sinise makes up for a lot. A LOT.

First of all, thanks so much to everyone who left me love in the love meme. You're too damn sweet and better than I deserve.

I turned 31 yesterday, and realised that 'Rock 'n Roll Never Forgets' is both too correct about being that age and completely off base. (Then again, I can't help but wonder if being 31 in 1976 wasn't demonstrative of a different maturity level than the age has today. ymmv.) On that note, for those who don't play along on Twitter: I became an aunt there is no gender neutral term for this relationship in any of the languages I can speak wtf the doting relative of a nephew a couple weeks back. This is also driving home the age thing, oh my god.

My return to blogging is going well and I am glad for it! I also wrote a speculative poem over the weekend and am now not sure what to do with it, as I don't write poetry generally. Would anyone who reads speculative poetry be able to beta read it at all and tell me if it's rubbish?

I have thoughts about SFF fandom but am holding fire right now.

If you are interested in my Festivids thoughts/planning, please give me a shout? No one on my circle/flist is my recipient.

My anxiety issues still running high but I am making progress a bit in CBT, which is something, at least. We are going on a long weekend this weekend and I am pretty sure I need it like none other, so yes. Good times.

Huh, perhaps I'm doing a bit better than I thought.

Finally had the first of my two sessions of CBT consult yesterday. Not sure if it will help me or what the outcome of the consult will be, but the clinical psych seems to be a respectful person, knowledgeable and empathetic about OCD, and I didn't have a hard time talking to her.

So that is a good thing, I think.

Doesn't do much for the Random Anxiety Flares in the meantime but I will, as ever, persevere.

Just as an FYI: Matt and I have safely returned to Glasgow along with all baggage (though slightly smushed but still edible boxes of US foodstuffs*) and raging cases of jetlag.

I have lots of thoughts about WisCon and stuff that's recently come out, which I will address later. Also, I'm really sad I missed the GOH speeches on Sunday--I've read them and they are both epic in different ways, both thoughts we should take to heart, and...I'm shitty at words right now. I did get to briefly meet and fangeek a little awkwardly at NK Jemisin.

I am sad about the death of Dr. Maya Angelou and irritated at the respectability politics that she's being used for already.

I am also angry, as those who follow me on Twitter know, about what went down in California and cannot really put thoughts together right now.

I am trying to read four or five books at once which is probably ill-advised.

I am really damn happy for lizzybees and S omg.

TO WORK TOMORROW, MY X-MEN.

* Realised I forgot to put this in the post: Cheezits, Cheetos, Quaker Oatmeal Squares, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, and other bits and pieces.

For those invested in the bag saga (I should have made a hashtag on Twitter, but I was too put out about it)--Bags arrived yesterday at about 1 pm.
Total time without bags: 42 hours. Time bags were apparently in Milwaukee but not out for delivery to us: 26 hours.

I would like to stop waking up before 8 am. Great for productivity, I guess, but not so fun overall.

I've set up my car rental this morning so hopefully that gets sorted.

The weather could be warmer jfc.

US Netflix streaming is an amazing thing. We've completely screwed up my mother's preference list though, oops.

No spoilers for 'Parade Day', just...WHERE IS ALL THE TAMIKA FLYNN FIC, FANDOM?

Seriously. She is my favourite part of many favourite things about WTNV. I should note that reflectedeve drew me an amazing wee bit of Tamika fanart not all that long ago though.

( okay fine I'll cut this but it's not really spoilery )

In other news, US soon. ACK.

- HOLY SHIT THE NEW NIGHT VALE I CANNOT EVEN, WEEPING INTO MY METAPHORICAL CEREAL. ( spoilers. )

Additionally: I want all kinds of fic about Tamika Flynn, and; this episode should come with a trigger warning on it as there's some stuff at the end that could be an issue. Unfortunately saying what the trigger is gives the whole damn thing away, so...if you think you might have an issue, click through to my spoilers to get the jist.

- We saw The Lego Movie and it is highly worth seeing. Not without problematic bits, but overall enjoyable and much more clever than anyone would have anticipated from the trailers or the concept (so glad films can still surprise me like that). Also lots of very amusing stuff if you're into DC Comics...ahem.

- Matt and I have booked a place to stay in Madison for the Thursday and Friday nights of Wiscon, so. That is happening. We'll likely be doing some visiting on Thursday in the Madison area but con stuff Friday? If I can figure something out for Matt to do?

- Work stuff omg (business business numbers). Follow me on my IRL Twitter for ADVENTURES, that's all I'm gonna say.

- Am I the only one not getting notifs for the first comments people leave on a Dreamwidth post? This is getting old.