rhivolution: David Tennant does the Thinker (Default)
So uh, I posted this meme five years ago today, and I've left the notif email open in my Gmail for FIVE YEARS, intending to do it. Suffice it to say, I think it is not going to get done, unless someone is still interested in my answers, which are probably incredibly different now than they'd have been back then.

Leave a comment, let me know.

Life continues apace, work has been absolutely frantic for the last month or two, and I've mostly been using DW to do RP stuff, hence the lack of posting here. I am feeling like I'm sucking at being a friend for most people and therefore am close to no one at all. The brainweasels mean that I feel I need to respond to everything, and when I can't do that, I kind of shut down entirely.

For which I am sorry. I am trying, always trying, to do better.

As I seem to do well in snippets and wry remarks, you can, of course, also find me having an opinion on the Twitters (those who can't do, pundit) and very occasionally on the book of Face, and sometimes here even. Festivids is coming up so more here, yes? Yes.

But for those who are not on social media: I am all right. I am getting by. I have a nasty cough right now, but I am dealing. Know I think of you often--yes, even you who is having a brainweasel attack and feel like no one gives a damn but that is a weasel-lie--with love.
rhivolution: the Doctor, pointing at his shop name badge: The Doctor/here to help (Here to help: The Doctor)
Just a note to say hello, I am still here! Still trying to get my brain in order, though I have graduated from CBT (yay?). I'm also sort of trying to enjoy December, as last year I was sick as a dog for most of it.

To be honest, I'd probably be more likely to read my circle if DW had a mobile interface worth beans. I swore I'd never become one of Those People with Their Phones, but it seems to have happened, for which I sort of apologise but half-assedly.

I've managed to get back into knitting, which is exciting and good, especially as I seem to accumulate sock yarn faster than I actually make things. It feels good to make stuff and to finish stuff--even though 'finished' has always been an odd and underwhelming experience for me. Does anyone else have that problem? It may just be my brainweasels.
rhivolution: Beverly Crusher in the captain's chair. Text reads 'Status report: no fucks left to give.' (all the fucks I do not give: Beverly Cru)
Icon (on Dreamwidth) actually is not particularly representative of my feelings, which are more like 'eh' in terms of 'no fucks'.

- I have gotten back into knitting, yay! Knitting for my wee nibling (who will turn one next week, wow) does make things a bit easier, because they are small and therefore things progress quickly and I feel better about life yay.

- Right, I need to sign up for Festivids before I forget. NEED TO. And Night Vale novel! And Ancillary Mercy! And the books I got in Berlin at Borderlands! Clearly, I have bought too many physical books lately and I am worrying about having reached Peak Bookshelf, which could be ameliorated by me not borrowing books (e and paper) from the public library left and right. Not that that will ever really happen.

- In other ways, some parts of fandom are doing my head in. I don't really want to talk about it in public. Trust no one, carry a big stick.

- I need to plan for the Smith 10 year reunion, which means I need to think about money and plane tickets and renting a car 'cause Mom will still be in school and and and. Due to Memorial Day being wicked late this year and colleague schedules (read: everyone in my office is getting married next year), I need to be back here before Wiscon, which is a bit disappointing, but I shall persevere.

(Getting to know some cool folk on Twitter makes me vaguely want to run a con of my own in Glasgow for Cool Fans Living North Of The Home Counties. I'd call it something like ConeCon with the tagline lots of planets have a north!. But my organizational skills are terrible, so it'd just end up being people sitting in a pub anyway, talking rubbish.)

- My clin psych has recommended muscle relaxation techniques for me to try, less as an anxiety flareup curative and more to keep general equilibrium* during the rest of the time. Anyone tried this at all? I'm slightly worried about either falling asleep or it having no effect whatsoever, but I have committed to giving it a go.

* I used another ten-dollar word in a work email earlier this week, as a natural conversational word, noticed after I sent it, then felt vaguely relieved when no one called me out.
rhivolution: low-on-spoons girl from Hyperbole and a Half: 'clean ALL the things?' (clean ALL the things?: out of spoons)
Hello, just a post to say I am still here, I am just sucking really hard at reading my flist/circle! (which in my brain extends to 'bad friend'...so I apologise.)

And at posting, obviously, ugh ugh ugh. I have a lot of things to say but don't know how to say them, it seems. I keep thinking I should have a private Twitter account, but then I remember I have this, and why the hell am I not using it augh brainweasels

Hello. How are you? Seriously, I want to know.
rhivolution: Janelle Monáe is giving you a low look (fuck gender: Janelle Monáe)
Well, I am back in Britain and no longer on jetlag time, two weeks later, and mostly just getting by. Glasgow has had nothing approaching 'summer', not even the British variant of summer (e.g. a pleasant temperature and not raining), which is disheartening as we come into August and I think of those Stevie Nicks lyrics* and anticipate the seasons to come.

If you needed to be convinced about climate change--and I'm hoping if you read my journal that you don't--the weather here in Britain for the last few years is quite good anecdotal evidence. Gwyneth Jones wrote a YA book under her Ann Halam pseud half a dozen years ago or so TEN YEARS AGO, says Wikipedia (Siberia), where the jet stream has moved due to global climate change, leaving Scotland a tundra, and while I don't buy that exact outcome, I do buy the notion that the weather here is becoming increasingly fucked.(Incidentally, I enjoyed that book a lot more than I have any of Jones' writing for adults. I've written about this before here and elsewhere...her issues with mothering and motherhood creep.me.out. Thinking on it more, Jones sorta is the Christopher Nolan of feminist SF for me, in that her work is very technically interesting and impressive, but I just can't quite get emotionally attached to her characters. They leave me rather cold.)

On reading! I did manage to finish Ancillary Justice and Ancillary Sword on holiday, and perhaps I was the only person who liked Sword better, I'm not sure. I've sorta parsed out my reasons why and hope to do a blog post one of these evers.

From a foodie perspective, I also finally read Gabrielle Hamilton's 2011 memoir (Blood, Bones, and Butter). While Hamilton's got...some personal issues that I feel could really use some deeper self-analysis...I really identify with her career narrative:
- falling into a job (cooking)
- feeling like she's not changing the world or using her potential, so going back to school (writing)
- finding out that the reality of doing that dream as a career is not great
- going back to old job for productivity and meaning and eventually developing that into a career
And then she ends up writing a top-rated memoir, publishing essays, and winning awards for her writing too, which leads me to, at least, a bit of hope for my media self. I just need to actually Do The Thing.

On fandom--thinking, very vaguely, about getting back into RPing again, because [personal profile] lizzy is convincing, but that would also mean that my brain needs to be better at not freaking out about reading friend lists/circles, thus not flaking out. I hate flaking out.

So yes, stuff is stuff, hello, tell me interesting things.

* "And the summer became the fall/I was not ready for the winter", from 'Nightbird', though the FM folk here probably guessed that.
rhivolution: Q gets comfy on the Enterprise-D bridge (why helllloooo.: Q)
Yes, I am going back to the US for a visit this week (watch this space). Almost but not quite in anxiety mode about traveling--at the moment it comes and goes. I'm hoping I'll be able to relax and do some reading and some writing (two different blog posts are in the works but unfinished), though I may just stick my head in the sand and enjoy not having quite as much stress.

Summer's finally hit Glasgow, insomuch as it ever really does by my standards; as always there has been #tapsaff and lots of folk complaining about how hot it is every time it hits 20 degrees Celsius (68 F). It is, I will concede, humid as fuck, but as depicted on Instagram, I tend to be jetting around in a jacket when everyone else has wee camisoles on. MKE will be a delight, even if it rains, because warm.

Fleetwood Mac were a delight, though while I was there I felt a tad underwhelmed, then realised I was feeling underwhelmed because it was like The Dance but right there in front of me in real life and then I got wicked excited again. In fact, every time I realise I have seen them all together and they don't hate each other and are having fun, I have a moment.

Project Paige and Matt Watch DS9 is continuing on into S2. In a way, I'm glad I'm watching it first now, because I feel like there's a lot of stuff I'd have missed when I was younger, and a lot of stuff still seems so damn relevant. It is, not gonna lie, better television than TNG in general, but I still love my TNG crew. I just wish there was more TNG that was like DS9.

To sum up: FEELS.
rhivolution: image of a turkey sandwich on a white background; the word 'harlot' is printed in black in the corner (harlot: night vale community radio)
As ever, things make a post.

- content warning: mental health )

- On that note, I've been working on a real name blog post for like, three weeks now, and I swear it will soon be done. It's just...it feels like my writing is disjointed, all bits and pieces (ze says, writing a goddamn list post).

- Also on that note, what do you do when the place you end up in, after long consideration, is on the fucking fence? What use are you then? Do you just nope out of things for the future and be considered useless by all parties? /cannot cope

- In light of the sad news about Jonathan Crombie's death, I'm a bit spooked by my recent Festivid choices and look at AGG fandom. I sort of want to rewatch the vid (and the canon, now that I have a copy), but I think it'll make me sad. He embodied Gilbert for me, just as Megan Follows is Anne and Schuyler Grant is Diana; I had the Anne of Green Gables miniseries fotonovel when I was a kid, so they're sort of indelibly impressed on my mind and were long before this vid. My heart goes out to his family and friends.

- I am not gonna talk about Star Wars or Daredevil because I do not want to be Captain Buzzkill. I will talk about Welcome to Night Vale with any and all comers, though!

- I would like to vid a whole bunch of snarky multi-Doctor DW vids, as I've been watching a bunch of old!skool Who thanks to the Horror channel* going Freeview recently. I get daunted as hell by the size of the canon, though, by the amount of stuff I would need to acquire and log/mine for detail. Suffice it to say, I have lots of DW feels again...they're just not new!Who feels, which is a bit strange.

* 'Horror' is really just a catchall for 'speculative fiction'. Right now they're trying to convince me that The Stand is scary, which it is, but not how they think. God, I love that story, even with its faults. I even love that mini, though some of it is painfully bad. Gary Sinise makes up for a lot. A LOT.
rhivolution: Beverly Crusher in the captain's chair. Text reads 'Status report: no fucks left to give.' (all the fucks I do not give: Beverly Cru)
In case you've been wondering where I've been and don't follow me on Twitter, I came down with the flu* on the night of the 8th and have been dealing with it ever since. Give-a-damn about everything basically flew out the window, and I've been signed off work, went through a bunch of nights where I barely slept, and had chills and sweats for longer than I'd have liked.

I will spare you the remainder of the play-by-play. Recuperation mode's now in effect and I just have a nasty cough, exhaustion, and a bit of brain fog that I'm struggling to clear away.

Suffice it to say, I'm fucking shelling out for that jab next year and every year forthcoming. I don't care about the cost or how much they try to tell me I don't need it. Know what I don't need? Over a week and a half of being fucking miserable and useless, missing appointments and work and holiday prep. That's what I don't need.

I did manage to read a lot, though, and watch some TNG, including the episode referenced in my Dreamwidth icon. I'm hoping to get blog posty about my reads soon.

* I seriously suspect it's flu as Matt's not been ill, thank god, and he gets the jab on the NHS for medical reasons.
rhivolution: Karen Gillian dressed as Amy Pond faces off against a TV camera (me versus the camera: Karen Gillan)
First of all, thanks so much to everyone who left me love in the love meme. You're too damn sweet and better than I deserve.

I turned 31 yesterday, and realised that 'Rock 'n Roll Never Forgets' is both too correct about being that age and completely off base. (Then again, I can't help but wonder if being 31 in 1976 wasn't demonstrative of a different maturity level than the age has today. ymmv.) On that note, for those who don't play along on Twitter: I became an aunt there is no gender neutral term for this relationship in any of the languages I can speak wtf the doting relative of a nephew a couple weeks back. This is also driving home the age thing, oh my god.

My return to blogging is going well and I am glad for it! I also wrote a speculative poem over the weekend and am now not sure what to do with it, as I don't write poetry generally. Would anyone who reads speculative poetry be able to beta read it at all and tell me if it's rubbish?

I have thoughts about SFF fandom but am holding fire right now.

If you are interested in my Festivids thoughts/planning, please give me a shout? No one on my circle/flist is my recipient.

My anxiety issues still running high but I am making progress a bit in CBT, which is something, at least. We are going on a long weekend this weekend and I am pretty sure I need it like none other, so yes. Good times.

Huh, perhaps I'm doing a bit better than I thought.
rhivolution: Ace is pensive and/or upset (say your life is on fire: Ace)
It's probably bad to have an existential crisis of the think I'll go eat worms variety at this time, as my usual coping mechanisms aren't really functioning well.

I shall, as ever, and as I told my psych this afternoon, fucking soldier on. But at some point I'd really rather not have to just do that.
rhivolution: Hannelore from webcomic Questionable Content: shirt reads 'OCDelightful' (OCDelightful: Hannelore)
Finally had the first of my two sessions of CBT consult yesterday. Not sure if it will help me or what the outcome of the consult will be, but the clinical psych seems to be a respectful person, knowledgeable and empathetic about OCD, and I didn't have a hard time talking to her.

So that is a good thing, I think.

Doesn't do much for the Random Anxiety Flares in the meantime but I will, as ever, persevere.
rhivolution: the Tenth Doctor, looking mightily pissed off (gonna cut you: the Tenth Doctor)
Just an FYI--I'm not reading much of LJ since they enforced the death of the friends page for me a few weeks back (despite saying they wouldn't, heyyyyy)--this new feed style is not good for my brain.

I have a cold. The world is fraying and everyone can see the seams. I keep nearly falling into the no, really, nobody cares what you think, you're useful primarily as an aggregator of other people's thoughts pit.

Then not wanting to say as much because it makes me sound needy and self-absorbed and there's far too much crap in the world for me to add to it.

Still grumpy. Still anxious. You've probably gathered all of that if you follow me on Twitter.

Still self-censoring.
rhivolution: Yves Adele Harlow from The Lone Gunmen, smiling. Text: 'YVES' (always on the run: Yves Adele Harlow)
Just as an FYI: Matt and I have safely returned to Glasgow along with all baggage (though slightly smushed but still edible boxes of US foodstuffs*) and raging cases of jetlag.

I have lots of thoughts about WisCon and stuff that's recently come out, which I will address later. Also, I'm really sad I missed the GOH speeches on Sunday--I've read them and they are both epic in different ways, both thoughts we should take to heart, and...I'm shitty at words right now. I did get to briefly meet and fangeek a little awkwardly at NK Jemisin.

I am sad about the death of Dr. Maya Angelou and irritated at the respectability politics that she's being used for already.

I am also angry, as those who follow me on Twitter know, about what went down in California and cannot really put thoughts together right now.

I am trying to read four or five books at once which is probably ill-advised.

I am really damn happy for [livejournal.com profile] lizzybees and S omg.

TO WORK TOMORROW, MY X-MEN.

* Realised I forgot to put this in the post: Cheezits, Cheetos, Quaker Oatmeal Squares, Kraft Macaroni & Cheese, and other bits and pieces.
rhivolution: Janelle Monáe is giving you a low look (fuck gender: Janelle Monáe)
Hi kids--I've put together an informal Wiscon schedule yay! Suggestions welcome.

With regards to contact: I only have my UK phone so texts are kinda expensive to do/receive, but I have inexpensive data available so WhatsApp, if you have it, is totally cool, or email/Twitter will also be checked regularly.

I will be in Madison from early tomorrow (Thursday) afternoon, but I'm going to be doing some hanging out with high school/Smith friends for early afternoon and dinner. However, if you've got time in the mid-afternoon we could get a coffee or something--Matt and I have to come back into the center of town to check in to our hotel. [personal profile] regcommathe, I have something for you...not sure if that works? If not, maybe Saturday morning?

On Friday, I'm planning to be up and about around 10:30/11:00. (Matt has made plans for shopping and possibly heading to the cinema, for those worried about his entertainment.)

1:00 pm: Having a nosy at The Gathering and the dealer room because I need to buy Ancillary Justice and maybe try for other works (Half World? Redwood and Wildfire and most of the Aqueduct back catalogue?).

2:30 pm: choice of several items omg tell me where I should be--sorry [personal profile] wrdnrd, I haven't read Goto so not sure I'd be able to follow the conversation, woe.
- Feminist Utopias (a personal fav topic)
- Women of Doctor Who (because I can bring the RAGEFACE)
- Disability on TV (some of you are on this! unfortunately I haven't seen much telly of late)

4:00 pm: Another Radical Queer Politics Panel
Possibly Diversity in Comics if the latter looks too crowded or other people say things?

BREAK WHO WANTS FOOD AND HANGING OUTS AND IMPROMPTU GENDERQUEER PANEL

9:00 pm: Reconciliation Within SFF

BREAK AND HANGING OUTS MAYBE PARTIES - I'm thinking I'm supporting Helsinki 2017 as LonCon isn't gonna be doable this year, so I'd like to have a nosy at them.

12:00 am: Sekrit Fanfic Identities, if I can stay up that long--jet lag has got me on 'up by 9, dozy by 12 am' and I don't want Matt to worry.

I may be able to do a coffee Saturday morning before 11/12 or so, if we don't have a chance to catch up otherwise.
rhivolution: band tour shirt showing Captain Picard with a guitar. Text is 'Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra September 1991' (language geek: TANAGRA '91!)
For those invested in the bag saga (I should have made a hashtag on Twitter, but I was too put out about it)--Bags arrived yesterday at about 1 pm.
Total time without bags: 42 hours. Time bags were apparently in Milwaukee but not out for delivery to us: 26 hours.

I would like to stop waking up before 8 am. Great for productivity, I guess, but not so fun overall.

I've set up my car rental this morning so hopefully that gets sorted.

The weather could be warmer jfc.

US Netflix streaming is an amazing thing. We've completely screwed up my mother's preference list though, oops.
rhivolution: Beverly Crusher in the captain's chair. Text reads 'Status report: no fucks left to give.' (all the fucks I do not give: Beverly Cru)
Safely in Milwaukee, after (all on the US side) flight cancellations, customer service queuing, delays getting to O'Hare (closest flight available), and epic bs. Sadly our bags are not here though, and so we are bumming around in pajamas for a while until the laundry is done.

At least there's that benefit to Hotel Mom. And this is why I never check my electronics.

Stay tuned for more Bag Saga.

by the way, jet lag is the reason I have been bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for about two hours already.
rhivolution: image of a turkey sandwich on a white background; the word 'harlot' is printed in black in the corner (harlot: night vale community radio)
No spoilers for 'Parade Day', just...WHERE IS ALL THE TAMIKA FLYNN FIC, FANDOM?

Seriously. She is my favourite part of many favourite things about WTNV. I should note that [personal profile] reflectedeve drew me an amazing wee bit of Tamika fanart not all that long ago though.

okay fine I'll cut this but it's not really spoilery )

In other news, US soon. ACK.
rhivolution: Ace is pensive and/or upset (say your life is on fire: Ace)
This post sort of starts in medias res because I can't figure out how to start it otherwise: I managed to be a responsible adult last week in epic ways, before starting to come down with a cold the day after. It whinged for a while as my body threw things at it, but then I ended up so poorly early this week I had to take a sick day for the first time in two years. (Oddly enough, I was also sick, though with GI issues, in early April 2012...idek.)

So this week has pretty much been a wash. Shit has not got done outwith work. And here we are in April and Easter is next week and the US in a month or so and I am thirty... cue existential crisis

A few things I know for sure, though.

I've not seen Winter Soldier so I feel a bit left out, but carry on squeefully!

I will be at Wiscon on the Friday so make your plans accordingly? (insert Sally Field moment here with not understanding why people like me so damn much.*) I need to vid for this omg, but my idea involves going through a ton of canon which is causing much anxiety.

In a similar vein, I finally am reading through the copy of the Year's Best SF that I picked up before going to Birmingham (2009, so this'd be YBSF 2008?) and now I remember why I stopped reading SF indiscriminately. Not just because of the obvious fail, but also the more insidious things...for example, I feel like I want someone to talk with about Ian McDonald and why his work creeps me out so much. Also, it's helped me realise that I made the right choice in not touching Bacigalupi's work. (Conceptually the protagonist's work and workplace in that story is a fantastic concept that rings stunningly true to today's social media and pageclick driven journalism. But that's negated and buried under the amount of sideeye I have to do because it's just...)

so many white dudes in this omg thank fuck there's at least an Aliette de Bodard story near the end and I think Nancy Kress is in it somewhere

This is part of my project to read more, and while it's not failing, I need to push myself a little harder, I think. Or track what I read over lunch better, because I don't tweet about what I don't find amazing.

I...have run out of steam thanks to exhaustion. Ask me things, instead, maybe?


* To deconstruct this, I think this is a combination of imposter syndrome and the fact that at school/work (e.g. social situations where the group is not self-selected) I have always been deemed 'pleasantly quirky' at best and 'wtf' at worst. Therefore I believe the negatives because I am a goddamn cynic.
rhivolution: image of a turkey sandwich on a white background; the word 'harlot' is printed in black in the corner (harlot: night vale community radio)
- HOLY SHIT THE NEW NIGHT VALE I CANNOT EVEN, WEEPING INTO MY METAPHORICAL CEREAL. spoilers. )

Additionally: I want all kinds of fic about Tamika Flynn, and; this episode should come with a trigger warning on it as there's some stuff at the end that could be an issue. Unfortunately saying what the trigger is gives the whole damn thing away, so...if you think you might have an issue, click through to my spoilers to get the jist.

- We saw The Lego Movie and it is highly worth seeing. Not without problematic bits, but overall enjoyable and much more clever than anyone would have anticipated from the trailers or the concept (so glad films can still surprise me like that). Also lots of very amusing stuff if you're into DC Comics...ahem.

- Matt and I have booked a place to stay in Madison for the Thursday and Friday nights of Wiscon, so. That is happening. We'll likely be doing some visiting on Thursday in the Madison area but con stuff Friday? If I can figure something out for Matt to do?

- Work stuff omg (business business numbers). Follow me on my IRL Twitter for ADVENTURES, that's all I'm gonna say.

- Am I the only one not getting notifs for the first comments people leave on a Dreamwidth post? This is getting old.
rhivolution: band tour shirt showing Captain Picard with a guitar. Text is 'Darmok and Jalad at Tanagra September 1991' (language geek: TANAGRA '91!)
How fantastic was today's Night Vale? THIS MUCH. (There will be something big soon, I am certain of it. Also much jealous for you people who have gone to the live shows or are there now because you're in Noho.)

How excited am I about Wiscon but terrified I won't get a membership as I need to book plane tickets first? THIS MUCH.

How busy has this week been from a work perspective? THIS MUCH.

How much am I not talking any more about Loncon or about the recent sideeye towards FAAB people in queer gaming because I have said everything I wanted to say on Twitter? THIS MUCH.

How much does this poem by [livejournal.com profile] alankria reflect my own feelings about my gender?
I struggled with words:
woman—fine
wife—fine
mother—fine
but not quite true;
they sat on me like plain jewellery: gleaming, comfortable
but mute.

THIS MUCH. (So much love.)