rhivolution: Beverly Crusher in the captain's chair. Text reads 'Status report: no fucks left to give.' (all the fucks I do not give: Beverly Cru)
Icon (on Dreamwidth) actually is not particularly representative of my feelings, which are more like 'eh' in terms of 'no fucks'.

- I have gotten back into knitting, yay! Knitting for my wee nibling (who will turn one next week, wow) does make things a bit easier, because they are small and therefore things progress quickly and I feel better about life yay.

- Right, I need to sign up for Festivids before I forget. NEED TO. And Night Vale novel! And Ancillary Mercy! And the books I got in Berlin at Borderlands! Clearly, I have bought too many physical books lately and I am worrying about having reached Peak Bookshelf, which could be ameliorated by me not borrowing books (e and paper) from the public library left and right. Not that that will ever really happen.

- In other ways, some parts of fandom are doing my head in. I don't really want to talk about it in public. Trust no one, carry a big stick.

- I need to plan for the Smith 10 year reunion, which means I need to think about money and plane tickets and renting a car 'cause Mom will still be in school and and and. Due to Memorial Day being wicked late this year and colleague schedules (read: everyone in my office is getting married next year), I need to be back here before Wiscon, which is a bit disappointing, but I shall persevere.

(Getting to know some cool folk on Twitter makes me vaguely want to run a con of my own in Glasgow for Cool Fans Living North Of The Home Counties. I'd call it something like ConeCon with the tagline lots of planets have a north!. But my organizational skills are terrible, so it'd just end up being people sitting in a pub anyway, talking rubbish.)

- My clin psych has recommended muscle relaxation techniques for me to try, less as an anxiety flareup curative and more to keep general equilibrium* during the rest of the time. Anyone tried this at all? I'm slightly worried about either falling asleep or it having no effect whatsoever, but I have committed to giving it a go.

* I used another ten-dollar word in a work email earlier this week, as a natural conversational word, noticed after I sent it, then felt vaguely relieved when no one called me out.
rhivolution: image of a turkey sandwich on a white background; the word 'harlot' is printed in black in the corner (harlot: night vale community radio)
As ever, things make a post.

- content warning: mental health )

- On that note, I've been working on a real name blog post for like, three weeks now, and I swear it will soon be done. It's just...it feels like my writing is disjointed, all bits and pieces (ze says, writing a goddamn list post).

- Also on that note, what do you do when the place you end up in, after long consideration, is on the fucking fence? What use are you then? Do you just nope out of things for the future and be considered useless by all parties? /cannot cope

- In light of the sad news about Jonathan Crombie's death, I'm a bit spooked by my recent Festivid choices and look at AGG fandom. I sort of want to rewatch the vid (and the canon, now that I have a copy), but I think it'll make me sad. He embodied Gilbert for me, just as Megan Follows is Anne and Schuyler Grant is Diana; I had the Anne of Green Gables miniseries fotonovel when I was a kid, so they're sort of indelibly impressed on my mind and were long before this vid. My heart goes out to his family and friends.

- I am not gonna talk about Star Wars or Daredevil because I do not want to be Captain Buzzkill. I will talk about Welcome to Night Vale with any and all comers, though!

- I would like to vid a whole bunch of snarky multi-Doctor DW vids, as I've been watching a bunch of old!skool Who thanks to the Horror channel* going Freeview recently. I get daunted as hell by the size of the canon, though, by the amount of stuff I would need to acquire and log/mine for detail. Suffice it to say, I have lots of DW feels again...they're just not new!Who feels, which is a bit strange.

* 'Horror' is really just a catchall for 'speculative fiction'. Right now they're trying to convince me that The Stand is scary, which it is, but not how they think. God, I love that story, even with its faults. I even love that mini, though some of it is painfully bad. Gary Sinise makes up for a lot. A LOT.
rhivolution: Karen Gillian dressed as Amy Pond faces off against a TV camera (me versus the camera: Karen Gillan)
First of all, thanks so much to everyone who left me love in the love meme. You're too damn sweet and better than I deserve.

I turned 31 yesterday, and realised that 'Rock 'n Roll Never Forgets' is both too correct about being that age and completely off base. (Then again, I can't help but wonder if being 31 in 1976 wasn't demonstrative of a different maturity level than the age has today. ymmv.) On that note, for those who don't play along on Twitter: I became an aunt there is no gender neutral term for this relationship in any of the languages I can speak wtf the doting relative of a nephew a couple weeks back. This is also driving home the age thing, oh my god.

My return to blogging is going well and I am glad for it! I also wrote a speculative poem over the weekend and am now not sure what to do with it, as I don't write poetry generally. Would anyone who reads speculative poetry be able to beta read it at all and tell me if it's rubbish?

I have thoughts about SFF fandom but am holding fire right now.

If you are interested in my Festivids thoughts/planning, please give me a shout? No one on my circle/flist is my recipient.

My anxiety issues still running high but I am making progress a bit in CBT, which is something, at least. We are going on a long weekend this weekend and I am pretty sure I need it like none other, so yes. Good times.

Huh, perhaps I'm doing a bit better than I thought.
rhivolution: David Tennant does the Thinker (Default)
I'm in [personal profile] kaberett's love meme, should you be so inclined (planning to catch you lot after work).
rhivolution: Hannelore from webcomic Questionable Content: shirt reads 'OCDelightful' (OCDelightful: Hannelore)
Finally had the first of my two sessions of CBT consult yesterday. Not sure if it will help me or what the outcome of the consult will be, but the clinical psych seems to be a respectful person, knowledgeable and empathetic about OCD, and I didn't have a hard time talking to her.

So that is a good thing, I think.

Doesn't do much for the Random Anxiety Flares in the meantime but I will, as ever, persevere.
rhivolution: Hannelore from webcomic Questionable Content: shirt reads 'OCDelightful' (OCDelightful: Hannelore)
Welp, it's the International Day of Persons with Disabilities, per the UN.* So, out of the closet with me, because there's really not any better day for it.

Hi, I'm Rhi and I have a disability.

It's sort of sickening that it took me this long to actually sit down and say it aloud in an explicit sentence instead of just talking about my OCD + assorted issues (let's call it OCD+) and disability activism.

It took a long time because we are trained to think of 'disability' as certain specific things, which is harmful both to people who have those conditions and to people with disabilities who don't. I am not in the mood right now to do additional explaining, so here are some starter posts on the Disability 101 level from FWD.

I am fortunate and privileged, in the sense that, thanks to treatment, I can scrape by to meet the median functioning level society requires; that is, what is falsely known as 'normal'. I usually fake able-bodied pretty well, as a coping mechanism, because I have never been an adult without a disability and that is how I learned to handle the world.

Because of that, it took me a long time to accept that my OCD+ affects my daily functioning, that it is most likely a life-long condition, and that I may very well have chronic relapses. It took even longer to accept that the fighting I've done wasn't the way things should be. I have been discriminated against, yes. If you've followed me long enough, you've heard about my personal experiences with the US health care system, my mother's belief that anything I like a lot is 'an obsession', a fear of accidentally outing myself at work, the people who think Monk is funny, and how OCD is not a goddamn adjective.

And my experiences are mild and not anything particularly unique.

So yeah. Get aware. We're just gonna get louder.

* I was going to write about the US failure to do anything with the UN Convention and Optional Protocol on the Rights of Persons With Disabilities, but then I got too damn angry, considering it took two years and an administration change to even SIGN the damn convention, much less implement it a year and a half later than THAT. But I don't know that much, so I'll just say 'google it'.
rhivolution: White Collar: Peter and Elizabeth kiss, while Peter is handcuffed to Neal (stuck in the middle w/you & you: WC OT3)
So my LJ paid account ran out, but I'm really dubious about giving them monies. I was going to buy a paid DW account around my birthday, but in the meantime I'm a bit SOL when it comes to icons. Which is a pity because I am totally making an 'I'm on a horse...cow' Grover icon right now.

Suggestions, anyone? Money's not utterly tight, but I'd feel better spending (on DW) once I have birthday cash.

Also, I signed up for Festivids. Between all the ace people (especially [personal profile] laura47) talking about it, and doing editing on the Overambitious Dissertation...it all sort of threw me into it. Speaking of the OAD, I've rough-edited together two segments, for a total of about ten minutes. Suffice it to say, I'm pretty sure that I'll be in way over 25 minutes soon. Things are coming together, though I spent an hour trying to generate a starfield in After Effects.

There's also a post about OCD and the UK psychiatric system (as I experienced today), but that'll be later.

ETA: And a fun thing!
rhivolution: Matthew Macfadyen is pensive, text: jeux sans frontieres (games without frontiers: Tom Quinn)
So I'm sitting here, it's just a little after noon, and I am thinking about how to start this post on OCD. I started writing it in my brain last night, and like most things in my brain, it sounded much better up there, and then the good bits fell out through the sieve that is my short-term memory.1 While I wanted to write about the media and representation, I realized that my opinion makes little sense without explanation of where I'm coming from. Therefore, much of this is ME ME ME, with less analysis. I'd apologize, but that'd be imposter-tastic.

1 Which is a post in and of itself, let me tell you. am only now discovering that the exacerbation of this may actually be a medication side effect as well as ADD-related.

This post, as I noted in my con report, was inspired by the Mad Seers panel at WisCon. Please also be warned that the discussion may trigger people with mental health issues. The Dar Williams theme does not continue throughout, fear not.

Are you positioned comfortably? Then let's begin.

this ended up being a bloody epistle. )
rhivolution: Matthew Macfadyen is pensive, text: jeux sans frontieres (games without frontiers: Tom Quinn)
A brief note first: in light of what shit just went down as regards the topic of unsafe, I'm...just gonna pass on making a whole other post. Should you want to know what I would have said, [personal profile] antarcticlust sums it up well in her first two paragraphs here. Namely, being uncomfortable is important, because it means for once we (we = me + other white people) aren't just coasting on by, letting privilege protect us.

I probably would have been a bit less kind, though. I'm an angry person.

Now, to the rest of the post...a few notes from the Mad Seers, Holy Fools, and God–Touched panel at WisCon 34.

Let me say first that this panel seriously touched me and made me think, probably so much so that I bloody neglected to take down who necessarily said what or may have gotten that wrong in my frantic writing. I apologise to [livejournal.com profile] onceupon, [personal profile] revena, [livejournal.com profile] upstart_crow, and [livejournal.com profile] suzych for that. If anyone could provide further info or better notes, I'd be much obliged. My unspoken notes are in italics.

snip. )
All I can really say is my people. Seriously, the sense this whole damn thing made to this person with OCD...I just don't even. I have more to say about what I got out of this, but that may have to wait until tomorrow, as I am beat...yay for medication fatigue.

There may be a rant about how OCD isn't taken seriously. Stay tuned.

ETA: If you want to fill in the blanks and expand upon things that I didn't, check out [livejournal.com profile] sophy's panel report.